Today was a long day, actually it has been a long week. But today, today was the hardest. Skye is sick with a cold, nothing serious, but enough to make her short tempered and hard to reason with. Hayden, my usually placid, happy ray of sunshine had his 4 month (yes I said 4 month!) needles and whilst he took the whole process in his stride, as the day wore on, he was only going to be quiet if I was holding him. After a week of feeling like I just couldn't do enough, for enough people, quickly enough, my energy was spent. I had nothing left to give and I found myself counting down the clock, willing the day to be over.
I really hate to feel like that.
I hate feeling like I am just going through the motions.
I hate feeling ungrateful.
Today, I had a moment of ear popping rage that made me want to shout loud screamy swear words at Mr Bond so badly, for no other reason than I was worn down. But with one child finally asleep and the one likely to repeat my loud sweary words sitting right next to me, I held my tongue.
Now, as I sit in the quiet calm of the night, finally alone, able to breathe deeply for the first time today, the weight has lifted and my mind has cleared.
Today wasn't really so bad. Yes it was tough, but sometimes I think I expect too much.
Of course Skye is cranky and over sensitive, she is miserable from all the coughing and spluttering. She just wants her mummy, like everyone (including me, still) wants when they aren't feeling well.
Sometimes I forget she too is still very much a baby.
My first baby.
Of course Hayden wants to be held. He got two needles and a live vaccine this morning, it's completely normal for him to be feeling clingy. If this is my idea of him being difficult, I have a lot to be thankful for.
Now, with the lights dimmed and the TV low, I can remember feeling similar resentment at the constant needing when Skye was Hayden's age. The incessant physical contact, the round the clock alertness to duty, the feeling that as much as others may offer to help, it ultimately is on me to look after things. Only this time, I have the benefit of knowing how quickly the intensity of that dependence fades and how much I will miss it once its gone.
Now, with everyone sleeping soundly, I can recall that today I made Hayden laugh his first laugh, and the way his face lit up when he realised what he had done. I can recall that today Skye came home from Preschool beaming that she had made some new friends after weeks of saying that the other kids wouldn't play with her. I cannot tell you what a relief it was to hear the excitement in her voice.
Now, as I sit in the calm of the night, I realise that today, all my children asked of me was a little extra love, and if that's all they really needed, then today was a pretty good day after all.