Tuesday, 14 February 2012

A Husbands Guide To Getting Lucky On Valentine’s Day

Given that today is Valentine’s Day I thought I would put together a how-to list to give the husbands out there a better chance of getting lucky tonight. Trust me, this is going to be far more effective than the petrol station roses you were planning on picking up on the way home today.

402608_359151130775411_201949069828952_1261859_1576893461_n_largeImage via We Heart It

These tips are housework focussed rather than in the style of a Cleo sealed section. Why is that? It’s simple really, flowers wilt, stuffed teddies are for children and no one wants to spend their evening eating dinner with 50 other random couples (especially that one overly romantic couple in the corner that should really just get a room). I can almost guarantee that following my guide will increase your chance of a little loving tonight, and possibly other nights too, so it is in your best interest’s to pay attention, maybe even take notes.

Firstly I feel that I should clarify something that you may not be aware of - the General Household Boringness (GHB) is not managed by the magic fairies. Shocking I know, but believe me, if they existed, I would have found and trapped them by now. Since we are fresh out of  fairies that means that an actual live person i.e. your wife, is taking care of this stuff.

Every. Damn. Day.

No exceptions.

Now I realise I am generalising here but I am working on the assumption that your house runs fairly similarly to mine and the majority of GHB falls on the shoulders of the female portion of the partnership.

77264949826622202_iWvBv26C_cImage Credit

Don’t be scared, I am not suggesting that you walk through the door tonight and clean the house from top to bottom, you don’t want to give her a heart attack. But there are just a few simple and surprisingly easy things you could be doing to make your beloved feel a little special. Feel free to do any or all of them as appropriate.

  1. Place rubbish in the bin – as  opposed to on top. The same applies to dirty clothes that land so close to the basket they are touching. If you can’t be bothered to lift your foot high enough to get your shorts in the basket, how on earth do you think you are going to throw a leg over?
  2. Ice cream sticks should not be left in the lounge cushions. No one likes getting goosed by a paddlepop stick first thing in the morning as they settle in for their morning coffee. If your wife has been poked already this morning, chances are you won’t get the opportunity later.
  3. Nappies should be disposed on in the General Waste bin. Nappies are not recyclable – please don’t destroy the appreciation we have for you changing the nappy by letting us discover that you have thrown it into the wrong bin. Again.
  4. If it is raining, bring the washing in. You get bonus points if you bring it in BEFORE it gets wet – you may even get a blozzie out of it.*
  5. Rather than bringing home a bunch of the aforementioned petrol station flowers, why not bring home some bread and milk? I don’t even care if you bring home full cream milk and white bread, if you are purchasing it, you can make that decision yourself. Just be sure to return the favour when the head food purchaser also chooses these items based on her own personal preference.

If the above points are simply more that you are willing to do, there is one option that is almost as effective as all of the previous tips combined. 

  1. Compliment her efforts – chasing your tail all day with little to show for it can be disastrous for a woman’s libido. Even if you are unable to see the floor when you arrive home, find something positive and acknowledge it. We crave appreciation just as much as you do, a little validation goes a long way.

You have probably noticed a common theme here and for very good reason. The basic premise of these tips is that we have enough to look after without having to pick up after an adult too. It makes us feel like we are YOUR mother, and when this happens, the idea of amorous activity suddenly seems creepy. The aim of the game if to give your wife the head space to  look forward to some one-on-one bonding with you and the best way to make this happen is to take a bit of the thankless, constant burden of GHB off her.

Besides, no one feels sexy when they have spent all day picking up someone else’s dirty underwear.

Did you know Jess at Diary of A SAHM has awarded me the coveted Blogger of the Mo title this week? It is a huge honour, even more so because she has pasted her face on my head in celebration of my award. Please pop over and say hello, she is currently seeking guidance on a new hairstyle and it’s critical she gets it right because she is heading to DPCON12 at the end of March and wants to look fabulous!




 * This offer is not a guarantee, terms should be discussed at your own discretion.

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