I was writing this post about how I am procrastinating about a specific issue, but I wrote the title, then faffed around for another 10 minutes before starting. Maybe I just have a short attention span… more likely I am totally avoiding the issue.
I have a phone call to make, it is long overdue and has been on my to-do list for months but I have managed to put it off with a million reasons for why I haven’t just done it already. Maybe like the no excuses To-Do list if I tell all of you I will actually do it.
The problem is that I am due to go back to work in November. Actually I was due to go back to work last November but they offered me the option to take another 12 months unpaid leave and I took it. I wasn’t ready to put Skye in full time day care and frankly the pay would barely cover the cost. A year on and I still feel that I am not ready to put Skye into full time day care (although there are some days when it is tempting). I honestly don’t think that I would be able to handle the hours at work plus travel only to come home and take up the domestic duties in addition to the bookwork etc that needs to be done for Luke’s business, let alone blogging! I know many people do it, and do it incredibly well, but I don’t believe I am one of those people. I am incredibly grateful that this is a choice that we are able to make as a family and that Luke supports my choices.
So why is it so hard for me to just call my boss and tell him that I won’t be returning to work as expected?
Well, basically I am a sook. I have never been good at negotiating salary or hours. I sweated on telling them I was pregnant for weeks before I worked up the courage. Did the world end when I told them? Of course not. But I spent my last months of work stressing myself out about getting everything done and trying to ensure that they would be begging me to come back because no one else could possibly do my job as well as me. Pfft, yeah, I’m good, but I’m not that good.
I also think that I am scared of the finality of being “officially” a SAHM. I liked the idea of having that safety net in case our situation changed and for what ever reason I decided to go back to work, even though I never had the intention of doing so. It makes me feel a bit guilty that I have strung the whole thing out so long, but before I had Skye I had planned to go back to work. I assumed that I wouldn’t have any problem with it and things would just go back to the way they were before. Naive much?
I am avoiding telling them because I know it will be unpleasant and I will feel like I am letting people down. I know that in the bigger picture putting it off makes no difference because the end result is still the same, and regardless of how or when I tell them, they will have to find a replacement and we will all move on. I just feel more comfortable in my denial bubble hoping the issue will just resolve itself.
So share some encouraging words with me. Did you choose to not return to work? How did you tell your boss and how did you feel once you did it?